Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Hargrove vs. Wedge of Cheese

Welcome, one and all, to the first edition of an ongoing series in which we pit our own beloved* manager Mike Hargrove against various challengers for his job. This should dispel once and for all any myths about the effectiveness of Grover.

Today's test should be pretty easy for Super Grover: he faces off in round one against a Wedge of Cheese. How about medium cheddar, so as to minimize the surface area (and therefore brain power) of the cheese in question.

Let's get the pre-game festivities out of the way: welcome, challenger. Do you have any comments before we begin?


Uhhh, thanks. Mr. Hargrove, are you ready?


Great. And we're off. A very pleasant good evening to all you Mariners fans out there, as well as to the many thousands of Mike Hargrove fans here in Oakland's Network Associates Coliseum. Tonight's matchup on the mound features washed-up random pitcher Kirk Saarloos of Oakland against Mariners’ albatross Joel “Suckfest” Pineiro. Pretty even, don’t you think?

Let’s have a look at the starting lineups:


Seattle Mariners

RF Ichiro Suzuki

2B Jose Lopez

3B Adrian Beltre

LF Raul Ibanez

1B Ben Broussard

C Kenji Johjima

DH Greg Dobbs

SS Yuniesky Betancourt

CF Willie Bloomquist

Whoa! Wait just a minute. Mike Hargrove would normally have a pretty difficult time losing to cheese, but if this is the lineup he’s going to throw out there…hmmm. Maybe he WANTS to lose? Let’s see what the cheddar would do…(WWCD, or “What would cheese do,” will introduce further instances of cheese-y moves):


Seattle Mariners

No lineup.

Alrighty, the surprise factor is high. I think we’d have to rely on the players themselves to construct a viable lineup. And you know what? No matter WHAT they choose, it can’t possibly be as bad as the one turned in by Grover.

Cheese: 1, Hargrove: 0.

The game gets underway, and in real life, Saarloos managed to scatter eight hits over six innings, only coughing up two runs despite striking out just a single Mariner (Rauuuuuuul). That was in part due to double plays turned in successive innings in the fifth and sixth.

Meanwhile, Seattle’s starting “pitcher” gets hammered by the weakest-hitting team this side of…Seattle, as Joel “Puke Factor” Pineiro limits the A’s to less than ten runs (!) in just under four innings of work.

If the game ISN’T over when Piñata gets knocked around in the second (gotta love those two-run doubles given up to such power hitters as MARCO SCUTARO), then it sure is when he fails to capitalize on a double play in the fourth inning, and proceeds to deliver one of the more impressive two-out meltdowns in pitching history.

Not Grover’s fault, right? I mean, he’s stuck with Piñata in the rotation?

Well, WWCD? Again, it would just sit there, in its increasingly unappetizing, unrefrigerated state. This lack of action would force the team leaders to address the dual problems of a) being “unable” (read: not motivated) to hit Saarloos, and b) leaving Piñata in while big men with sticks continue to flail away at him. I imagine that Ichiro would calmly and silently get a real pitcher on the hill BEFORE the candy that was Joel’s insides get spilled all over the bad side of the Bay Area. And if any of the relief pitchers tried to walk the ten Athletics that the Mariners did on Hargrove’s watch, you KNOW that the cheese wedge would just be sitting there, silently mocking the pitchers into doing their jobs. (Aha! We’ve finally found the answer to one of the world’s great questions: what’s the SECOND most effective way to avoid walks, besides having Lou Piniella go to the mound and tell the frightened pitcher to “just throw strikes, son.”)

Cheese: 2, Hargrove: 0.

Actually, we can end the contest here, since we all know that Mike Hargrove isn’t really capable of a comeback win. I declare the cheddar the winner.

*Hey, the other teams and their fans LOVE the Human Rain Delay. Don't misunderestimate the strategery value of having a moron in charge.


At 11:51 AM, Blogger Freakazoid Freddy said...

Medium cheddar has taste, Grover, alas, has none.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Jason said...

Another point for the cheese.

Cheddar 3. Grover 0.


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