Tatonka 2007? Get in line.

Well, now it's official. We're awash in candidates for the new Tatonka this offseason. Let's stop our heads from spinning just long enough to get our bearings here:

11/14 - Signed Renee Cortez, Jesse Foppert, Rey "it means King" Ordonez, Tony Torcato, Brant Ust (I dunno, you tell me), Cibney "what the hell were my parents thinking when they named me" Bello, Josh Kite, Michael Wagner, and Jared Eichelberger to minor league contracts.
11/20 - Added Michael "the other" Garciaparra, Bryan LaHair, Mike Wilson, and Ryan Rowland-Smith to the 40-man; DFA'd Jorge Campillo and outrighed Travis Chick. Lost T.J. "throw me a frickin'" Bohn on waivers to Atlanta
11/27 - Signed Willie "25th man" Bloomquist to another freakin' contract extension
11/30 - Apparently inked Justin Lehr to a (minor league) contract
12/1 Released Jorge Campillo
12/1 "Big news" of the day turns out to be a likely Mariners' signing of Atlanta pitcher John Thomson

Wow. Honestly, wow. First the failure to fire the Human Brain Delay. Now we're getting excited about John Thomson. Look, it's a value signing, no doubt, with limited resources allocated. Whoo hoo. All those savings are gonna win so many extra games in 2007 for...who, exactly? Not the Mariners.

Don't get me wrong. I actually like Thomson, and think it's a wise move to sign him. For the Royals. We're at least still masquerading as a major-league club, however, so there's no call to go hanging the entire offseason on Justin Lehr, John Thompson, and one more guaranteed year of The Bloomquist.

Ggguh!

As frustrated as I am, this is exactly--EXACTLY--the time when the Mariners have ALWAYS come up with a Tatonka move. Need splashy, big offseason acquisition to encourage fans? Check. Have done nothing so far? Check. Team sucks? Check.

I'm telling you right now, the M's Tatonka is not currently on the roster, nor does his name rhyme with "Lehr" or "Thomson." And I shudder to think what horrors Bill Bavasi will perpetrate on we, uh, suspecting fans. (C'mon, we can't possibly be considered UNsuspecting anymore, right? We're suspecting. We're downright suspicious! Get the pitchforks!!)