Thursday, December 14, 2006

Secret Tatonka Files: The GM interviews, part 3

Well, the Tatonka Think Tank just keeps spitting out messages from the future, whether we like it or not. (If you get SPAM from the future, who is the originator of the spam? And is it still a non-refrigerated, meat-like product? But I digress....)

Here is a new one, hot off the, uh, presses. Preliminary analysis suggests that this transcript happened (will happen?) chronologically after part 2, but there is no date. Indeed, we get only the middle of a conversation, with no clear beginning and no end, and what appears to be a big chunk missing from the middle. Whatever caused it, it WASN'T ME LOADING THE FAX PAPER IMPROPERLY, MAN! Ahem. On to the fragmentary transcript:

...think you can just...

Mr. L: I don't have to "think" any such thing. I know it. Now let's get down to business.

V: There will be no one to hear you scream.

Mr. L: Just the spirit! As you may have determined from the manner of your appearance here, we seek to hire you for a rather dastardly job...

V: Did you say 'dastardly?'

Mr. L: Why, yes, I did.

V: Where am I, anyway?

Mr. L: That's not important right now. In any case...

V: I insist...

[a good portion of the ensuing transcript, of indeterminate length, is, uhh, missing]

V: Am I going mad, or did the word "think" escape your lips?

Mr. L: That's hardly the way to address me, sir. Let's be civilized here...

V: I am expected to deduce from your torture that civilization is one of your dominant traits? Forgive me if I have failed to reach that utterly and in every other way inconceivable conclusion!

Mr. L: We've started badly. We simply want to put you in charge of our organization...

V: If by "in charge" you mean "under your thumb without adequate compensation," then I agree.

Mr. L: You agree to the contract?

V: No, you moron!

Mr. L: I'm no moron. I'm in charge of a multimillion-dollar, moneymaking enterprise that depends on sophisticated...

V: You ARE a moron, like many before you. Do you really think you're the FIRST to come up with or carry out such a childish scheme? I could have seen through it at the age of three.

Mr. L: You're that smart, are you?

V: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Mr. L: Yes.

V: Morons.

Mr. L: Really? In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits.

V: For my freedom?

Mr. L: [Nods]

V: To the death?

Mr. L: [Nods, fingers crossed behind back]

V: I accept.

Mr. L: Excellent. Here's the challenge: answer correctly, and you are free to go. Incorrectly, and you're sworn to serve as our next General Manager.

V: That makes no sense.

Mr. L: You're trying to trick into giving away something--it won't work...

V: Ask your question; you've already supplied the answer.

Mr. L: Alright, here it is. We spent several hours earlier going over the rules of baseball and the roster and financial situation of our club; with your prodigious intellect, surely you can deal with a specific, but hypothetical, question?

V: It's your challenge.

Mr. L: Fine, fine. Here it is: how do you convince the fans of the merit of a trade of two young players for an aging player who can't really play the field anymore, is expensive enough to prevent us from making other desirable moves, and would not be a suitable candidate to DH even if he were health--particularly because the DH position is the single easiest batting position to fill, and many other options continue to present themselves that are cheaper in both talent and money to acquire?

V: What are the names? I have already mastered your quaint little game.

Mr. L: Uhh, hypothetically, say, Chris Snelling and Emiliano Fruto for Jose Vidro.

V: [guffaw] Inconceivable!

Mr. L: Keep in mind that this is merely a test. We would, uhh, NEVER do such a ridiculous thing. [Sweats more profusely]

V: This is a trick question. Therefore, the right answer is as clear as day...

Sadly, the transcript ends abruptly, right here. One of the crack Tatonka technicians thought that a later scrap of paper shooting out of the now violently ill fax machine contained something meaningful, but it is not really clear what "pse dragged out of ro" is supposed to mean.


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